Needles in the strawberries?! (Weekday Edition)

Holy hell batman. What kind of derelict criminal mastermind would be so cruel? Maybe you haven’t heard yet, or maybe this Viggy is late to the punch here, but allow me a moment to shout it out here. Needles in strawberries!

Imagine this, you’ve enjoyed a day picking berries with your family, it’s been some type of picturesque day full of Pinterestable moments. You’ve got this big bundle of strawberries weighing down your arm and the first thing you’re gonna do at home is slice up some for your mason jar collection of fresh preserves. But it’s been a long day, and you forgot to eat! No matter let’s just enjoy some of these fresh strawberries. NOT SO FAST because you’ve been pricked I mean picked to be the unlucky recipient of a contaminated strawberry.

When I first heard of this story my mind immediately jumped to some humongous heroine contaminated needle hidden among your bushels of berries. The official story didn’t leave me feeling any less distressed. Why? Because these aren’t some huge easy to spot needles, these are teeny tiny sewing needles, often the size of a strawberry seed, slid deep into the flesh of an innocent berry. So you my unsuspecting victim bite down full force and find that berry now skewered inside your mouth! Maybe you were lucky and it only pierced your lip, or into the quick healing pad of your tongue. HOWEVER what’s got my mind in a twist is how damn painful the unlucky person would be.

Needleberry? Meet the roof of my mouth. Hard, ridged, and likely to let a needle slide in several inches off a single bite. Did you just get chills? Cause I know I did. And I’ll admit it, if this happened to me I’d probably cry. Not from the pain although it would be intense, no it would be more a, “why life are you so cruel?” cry. The worst part is I imagine my mouth being skewered top to bottom with some big chunk of strawberry in the middle coated in fluids that make me wanna gag. While unable to do so by, you guessed it, a skewered tongue!

According to my research, some kid has come forward to confess. But now there are serious concern over copy cats. Of course if one kid finds this funny the rest are likely to follow, if internet trends give us any indication. This just furthers my reasons for never having a kid myself, they’re all psychopaths! I’m taking bets though for what the next internet challenge will be! My bet? It’ll be a game called Banana Roulette, each kid grabs a banana, loser gets a ride to the hospital to remove the embedded needle.

Oh and in case you were wondering, this spree of diabolical antics is taking place in Australia right now. Consider this your advisory! Slice yo fruit!

Sincerely,

Viggy


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